he's got the whole world in his hands he's got the whole world
pg 4
Most others continue to fight against their infernalism of the Church, believed to be the original source of Hermetic magic in Narbohring.
this seems poorly worded. perhaps - against the infernalism in their Church
Nice intro though. Loved the Shadowsfall quote at the beginning.
Nar-bering? Nar-bore-ring
Page 5
Although since the earliest days, Narbohring has contained a large number of cults, political factions, and secret societies, the history of Narbohring is the history of the Vox Duur, the first organized religion.
Perhaps -the history of early Narbohring is the history of the Vox Duur.
The Antiarch is dropped a bit quickly Caradoc is named but who is the Antiarch?
The new nations of Khaedor, Verlainen, Nycene, and Vasqueray began to fight over control of the south and west. In 700 F.E., a group of Thainist widows, aggrevated at their order’s lack of response and grieving over the deaths of their families, took up arms and crossed Narbohring, trying to suppress conflicts by slaughtering all in their way.
Perhaps mention that they were colonies that revolted, or cities established by exiled houses. It give the opportunity to mention a war by name. I was left with the feelings these nations popped up.
I have a battle called the Battle of Purple Fields, named after the flowers that bloomed wild there, and the purple(noble) blood that was lost there. Feel free to have it.
page 6
While the First Era was dominated by the rise and fall of Irendor and the major religions of Narbohring, and the Second Era detailed the struggles of the outlying colonies to assert themselves and be recognized as mature states, the Third Era has seen the global unification of Narbohring in the hands of great merchant Guilds and trade organizations.
how did the major religions fall?
The Slavers were the first of these Guilds, incorporating in 1 T.E. immediately after the Vehrlands Covenant made reliable international transport a reality
perhaps instead of immediately after the -as part of the Vehrlands Covenant, or something like that
page 7
Black Rose Rebellion is nice perhaps a -so named because of explanation is needed.
Page 10
Church of Winter
Just to mention that maybe we don't need to have a demon worshiping cult use the symbol of the 6 pointed star. I don't care, but, well you know. Especially since you already have a modified menorah as a symbol. Don't piss off the Jewish Lobby, no wait that's free publicity.
you say that the names Rhiannon and Breyana are essentially the same in Irendi, I suggest that you make them sound more alike in English if that is the case. Maybe you need Breyana to be Breyanan if you are going to assert this. Maybe I'm being picky.
-Priests of Breyana regularly traffic with demons and other infernal creatures, imparting upon them hidden knowledge.
that makes it sound like the Priests of Breyana are teaching the demons.
-It is conscience, fear, intellect, and awe.
perhaps this would work better as -Ixus is conscience, fear, intellect and awe. I am surprised they have fear as opposed to bravery as a definition.
On an aside I hope Sterling founded the way of Xeres for them. He did assert that he was a priest of Ix pretty strongly.
-The Order of Ixian is more esoteric, elitist, and well-mannered than the Church. The Order believes that Ixian is the true wellspring of power and will within men.
perhaps within people. Not to get on the gender crazy bandwagon, but I like gender neutral signifiers.
page 13 grueling has only the one l not gruelling.
The Slavers will pay a sum of money for anyone- old, young, dead, alive; this is at their discretion, of course. They don’t want just anyone.
really? a system for this needs to be explained. I can't just grab a big guy of the streets and sell him can I, cause if I can then it would happen a lot and then people get pissed and the whole thing falls apart, or if it doesn't why?
page 17 minutae is spelled minutiae.
page 18 practitioners is spelled wrong, as practioners
page 16 through 18 are great. thanks, the kids I hope will use it well.
what does the time rating on the drugs signify is it how long it takes to get the shit in your system?
guild of thorns and the sea kingdoms are dropped on us on page 19.
should naga be capitalized on page 24?
page 25 pronunciation of Venoshua seems weird.
I don't know why, well ok I do, but I love the astromancers tower section.
I also like the optics guild section.
lost courier good.
page 29 could include some descriptions of the protections or reasons why these tombs have not been violated.
I shall pick up where I left off later.
Most others continue to fight against their infernalism of the Church, believed to be the original source of Hermetic magic in Narbohring.
this seems poorly worded. perhaps - against the infernalism in their Church
Nice intro though. Loved the Shadowsfall quote at the beginning.
Nar-bering? Nar-bore-ring
Page 5
Although since the earliest days, Narbohring has contained a large number of cults, political factions, and secret societies, the history of Narbohring is the history of the Vox Duur, the first organized religion.
Perhaps -the history of early Narbohring is the history of the Vox Duur.
The Antiarch is dropped a bit quickly Caradoc is named but who is the Antiarch?
The new nations of Khaedor, Verlainen, Nycene, and Vasqueray began to fight over control of the south and west. In 700 F.E., a group of Thainist widows, aggrevated at their order’s lack of response and grieving over the deaths of their families, took up arms and crossed Narbohring, trying to suppress conflicts by slaughtering all in their way.
Perhaps mention that they were colonies that revolted, or cities established by exiled houses. It give the opportunity to mention a war by name. I was left with the feelings these nations popped up.
I have a battle called the Battle of Purple Fields, named after the flowers that bloomed wild there, and the purple(noble) blood that was lost there. Feel free to have it.
page 6
While the First Era was dominated by the rise and fall of Irendor and the major religions of Narbohring, and the Second Era detailed the struggles of the outlying colonies to assert themselves and be recognized as mature states, the Third Era has seen the global unification of Narbohring in the hands of great merchant Guilds and trade organizations.
how did the major religions fall?
The Slavers were the first of these Guilds, incorporating in 1 T.E. immediately after the Vehrlands Covenant made reliable international transport a reality
perhaps instead of immediately after the -as part of the Vehrlands Covenant, or something like that
page 7
Black Rose Rebellion is nice perhaps a -so named because of explanation is needed.
Page 10
Church of Winter
Just to mention that maybe we don't need to have a demon worshiping cult use the symbol of the 6 pointed star. I don't care, but, well you know. Especially since you already have a modified menorah as a symbol. Don't piss off the Jewish Lobby, no wait that's free publicity.
you say that the names Rhiannon and Breyana are essentially the same in Irendi, I suggest that you make them sound more alike in English if that is the case. Maybe you need Breyana to be Breyanan if you are going to assert this. Maybe I'm being picky.
-Priests of Breyana regularly traffic with demons and other infernal creatures, imparting upon them hidden knowledge.
that makes it sound like the Priests of Breyana are teaching the demons.
-It is conscience, fear, intellect, and awe.
perhaps this would work better as -Ixus is conscience, fear, intellect and awe. I am surprised they have fear as opposed to bravery as a definition.
On an aside I hope Sterling founded the way of Xeres for them. He did assert that he was a priest of Ix pretty strongly.
-The Order of Ixian is more esoteric, elitist, and well-mannered than the Church. The Order believes that Ixian is the true wellspring of power and will within men.
perhaps within people. Not to get on the gender crazy bandwagon, but I like gender neutral signifiers.
page 13 grueling has only the one l not gruelling.
The Slavers will pay a sum of money for anyone- old, young, dead, alive; this is at their discretion, of course. They don’t want just anyone.
really? a system for this needs to be explained. I can't just grab a big guy of the streets and sell him can I, cause if I can then it would happen a lot and then people get pissed and the whole thing falls apart, or if it doesn't why?
page 17 minutae is spelled minutiae.
page 18 practitioners is spelled wrong, as practioners
page 16 through 18 are great. thanks, the kids I hope will use it well.
what does the time rating on the drugs signify is it how long it takes to get the shit in your system?
guild of thorns and the sea kingdoms are dropped on us on page 19.
should naga be capitalized on page 24?
page 25 pronunciation of Venoshua seems weird.
I don't know why, well ok I do, but I love the astromancers tower section.
I also like the optics guild section.
lost courier good.
page 29 could include some descriptions of the protections or reasons why these tombs have not been violated.
I shall pick up where I left off later.
posted by Paul @ 12:18 AM
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